nice ones Cole  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">




::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


 




- How do two programmers make money?




- One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses


 




::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


 


 




On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:




"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"




A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"




((this joke reminds me of the game Bully)))




:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


 




A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis. Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing.




After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me."




The guy still doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected. But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all around. Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone.




Shocked, he runs to the devil and says "Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!"




The devil laughs and says "Oh, that. That's the Catholics - they want it that way."

Man on the desert island pulls a girl out of the water, who swimmed to the shore by holding a barrel.




-You live here long, don't you ?




-For 15 years.




-Alone ?




-Yes.




-Now you will have this, which you missed the most - she said.




-You ain't serious! Is there a beer in that barrel ?


 


 




There's a block of flats burning. People are on the roof. A hero was down there and he screams: "Jump!". First person jumped. Hero caught her and set on the ground. Second one did the same. He caught her and set on the ground. Third one is a black man. Hero didn't catch him and he hit the ground. At the end, hero said:




-Don't through the burnt ones!


 


 




Rich man is driving a limousine. He sees a poor guy eating the grass. He asks him:




-Why do you eat grass ?




-Ahhh, I'm hungry and I don't have money to buy food.




-So get in, I'll take you to my house.




Poor guy thought about his family and asks:




-Can I take kids with me ?




-Let them get in.




-And wife ?




-OK, but quick.




-Parents ?




-Hey, I don't have such a big lawn...


 




<img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">

sorry for the long pause.....but now i have some new "fresh" jokes  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">




::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::




A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."




The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."




The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.




The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."




The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.




The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."




The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."




:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


 




Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.




Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.




When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"




His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."




"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.




A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.




"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"




::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


 




A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.




The boy asked, "What is this Father?"




The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."




While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.




They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.




Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.




The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....




"Go get your Mother."




:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Thanks a million, Nathan, your jokes are the best!  :lol:  (no offense to other members)

Last one the best, a woman turned into a man  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">

thanks a lot both of you!




<img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">

desert-island jokes:


 




:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


 




Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "Iâââ‰â¢m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."


 




::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


 




There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:




âââ¬Ã¢ 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman




âââ¬Ã¢ 2 French men and 1 French woman




âââ¬Ã¢ 2 German men and 1 German woman




âââ¬Ã¢ 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman




âââ¬Ã¢ 2 English men and 1 English woman




âââ¬Ã¢ 2 Macedonian men and 1 Macedonian woman.




--- --- ---




One month later on this beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere...




âââ¬Ã¢ The first Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.




âââ¬Ã¢ The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".




âââ¬Ã¢ The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.




âââ¬Ã¢ The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.




âââ¬Ã¢ The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.




âââ¬Ã¢ The Macedonian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Macedonian woman and started swimming.

Serial killer takes a woman to the forest. She screams:




-What a dusky and dark forest. I'm afraid very much!




Killer:




-What should I say ? I will return alone...


 


 




-I want to speak to the manager!




-He's not there.




-I have seen him a while ago!




-He has seen you, too.


 


 




After a mass, John talks to the priest:




-Your talking was fucking good.




-Son, you can't talk like that.




-But your talking was really fucking good.




-Son, stop if you can!




-It was so fucking good, that I decided to give 500$ for the church.




-Bullshit.


 


 




-What's the difference between a black guy and a bucket of shit ?




-A Bucket.

Quote-What's the difference between a black guy and a shit ?




-A Bucket.

 




Another racist cop!

Maybe a bit, Mr Churchill  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">

heh i knew you would say something like this  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">

made me laugh !!   <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">

Quotemade me laugh !!   <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">

Same here  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/biggrin@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.


 




Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;




I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."




The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful




antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on




this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for




six generations"


 




He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly




chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."


 




The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,




light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the




swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and




fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


 




"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.


 




It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.


 




:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


 


 




The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.




"Of course, my son," said the priest.




"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."




"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.




"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.




"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.




"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"




"Of course, my son," said the priest.




The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"


 




:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


 


 




John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:




"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."




John inscribes the words in his heart.




At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.




'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "




"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."




The widow screams and faints.




"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:




"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you shit."


 




:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


 




i still have a lot of jokes and be sure i'll post them  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/wink@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">

-What has a soldier to do in case of a nearby nuclear explosion ?




-He has to turn into fallout and kill the enemies.


 


 




-I've heard that your husband broke his leg. How was it possible ?




-Very silly. I have just been making some meat, so he went to the basement to bring some potatoes. As usual, he didn't take his torch, he slipped on the stairs and fell down.




-Bad. And what did you do ?




-Pasta.


 


 




Black, Hindu and Jew were driving America in their car. In the middle of the night they had a car failure. They decided to repair it at a day time and they decided to look for a place to sleep. Luckily, there was a farm near them. Its host offered them a place for sleep:




-I have two beds in the living room only, so someone of you will have to sleep in the barn.




Jew:




-I can do it.




He went to the barn, black and Hindu have lied on their beds. After 15 mins, there's knocking at the door. It's Jew and says:




-There's a pig in the barn. I can't sleep here, religion forbids me.




Hindu:




-I was sleeping in the slums of Bombay. I can sleep there.




He did so. After 15 mins he is at the door and speaks to the Jew:




-You didn't sat that there's a cow also. I can't sleep here.




Black:




-I'm from Harlem, for me sleeping with a pig and a cow it's a luxury.




He went to the barn. In a little while, knocking at the door. Jew and Hindu go and open them. And they saw pig and a cow.


 


 




During the WWII, the Germans caught MacGyver, sent him to the camp and led him to the gas chamber. They closed the door, put a deadly dose of gas, they're waiting, waiting, finally they open the door. McGyver leaves and says:




-You had a leaking gas, but I repaired it.


 


 




At the construction site:




-Chief, what time is it ?




-You know, I would like a drink, too...


 


 




Fall of meteorites is being observed by a son-in-law and mother-in-law. Son-in-law thought a dream. Mother-in-law didn't make it...


 


 




Child is running in the library, loudly treadding he pretends to be a horse.




Library worker arrives and shouts:




-Calm down, these ppl can't read!




-Can't they ? So why are they here ?


 


 




On the bus stop there are two guys waiting for a bus. One of them gets a cigarette and starts smoking. Second one arrives and asks:




-Do you have a cigarette for me ?




-Here you are.




-And could you give me a fire ?




-I see that you have only your mouth to smoke.


 


 




In the pub there's a guy and he talks to blonde sitting next to him:




-Eee, can I tell you a joke about a blonde ?




She replies:




-You can, but you should know, that I have 1,8 metres height, 70 kilos weight and I'm really strong. Next to me there's another blonde - 1,9 metres height, 80 kilos weight and she does weightlifting. There's also sitting a blonde, 2 metres high, she's good at kick-boxing. You wanna still tell that joke ?




-No, no, no... I'm not going to explain it 3 times...


 


 




-Dad, buy me a bike!




-Bike... Son, f*ck the bike. Wait, you will be able to drive a motorbike, don't you like a motorbike ?




-Sure, dad!




Next time conversation:




-Dad, buy me a motorbike!




-F*ck the motorbike, wait 1 year, we will buy a scooter, don't you like scooter ?




-Superb, dad, sure I do!




Next time conversation:




-Dad, buy me a scooter.




-F*ck scooter, wait 2 years, you will get a motor! Motor! Don't you like motor ?




-Yes! Yes! I want!




Next time conversation:




-Dad, what with my scooter ?




-Honestly, there's no sense to buy a motor since you will be able to drive a car in 1 year time. Real car! Huh ?




-Sure, dad...




Next time conversation:




-Dad, buy me a car...




-Car ? Why the f*ck you need the car, since you even cen't drive a bike...


 


 




In an United Europe, Euro deputy asks Mr Smith:




-Are you European ?




-No, I'm Polish!




-But you were born in European Union territory.




-When a hen was born in a barn, is she a pig ?


 


 




Burning rafinery. Plenty of entities of the fire brigade is looking at flames and explosions without any move. Suddenly, everyone's eyes are focused on old fire brigade car from a nearby village. It rams the fence and finally slows down. Firemen get out and stop the fire.




Governor asks them:




-How could I pay you off for that action ?




The main fireman says:




-Hmmm, firstly it will be useful to repair the brakes...


 


 




-Open up, police!




-We didn't order the police, but the wh*res!




-But it was neighbours who called us!




-Neighbours called, neighbours f*ck!


 


 




Drug-addict enters a hell and sees a field of marijuana. He picks everything up. Suddenly, he hears a devil:




-Here you have picked up.




He dries it.




Devil:




-Here you have dried.




He goes and makes blunts.




Devil:




-Here are the blunts.




He takes the biggest blunt and asks:




-Do you have fire ?




-If I had fire, there would be a paradise here!


 


 




One divorced man, happy that after 15 years he doesn't have to pay the maintenance, he said to his daughter in her 18th birthday:




-My dear, take this cheque and give it to your mother. Tell her that it's the last cheque she will get. And please tell me how did she react...




She took the cheque and went to her mother, and she got back after some time...




-And ? How did she react ?




-She wanted me to tell you, that you ain't my father...