I like the second one  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">

Here comes new portion of jokes  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">


 


 




Recruit went to a draft board. After examining, sexologist invited him for conversation. He drew a circle and asked:




-What is it ?




-Naked woman...




He drew a square:




-And this ?




-He, he, that's a  naked woman...




Finally, he drew a triangle.




-And what about this ? Look properly.




-Naked woman, too...




-Sir, you're perverted...




-Me ? But who drew these naked women ?


 


 




Situated in the shop. There's a six year old boy and his father standing in the queue. In front of them there's very fat woman standing - weighting at least 150 kilos. Son says to his father:




-Dad, look at this woman - she's so faaaat...




Dad went red, he felt silly and said:




-My son, you can't say about people like this.




-But she's so faaat... I've never seen such a fat woman.




-That's good, but it's not kind to say about people like this.




At this moment her mobile phone rings pi, pi, pi...




And son says, frightened:




-Dad, watch out! She's gonna reverse!


 


 




-Dad, in TV they said that alcohol's prices will be risen. Does this mean that you will drink less ?




-No, that means, that you will eat less...


 




Enjoy  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">

I see you like my jokes :cheer: That motivated me to post more of them.


 




Long time ago there was some town. And in this town there was very scary dragon. Citizens couldn't stand it, so they asked for help one of the three knights, hanging around the town.




-Our Great Knight - they say - help us, dragon is raping virgins, killing men, eating kids and women.




Great Knight said:




-Give me one month so that I'll be able to make a plan.




Citizens said:




-What ? After one month, it will kill us all!




And they went to the second knight.




-Average Knight, help us... etc.




He said they must give him two months to make a plan, so they went to the third knight.




-Little Knight, help us... etc.




Little Knight got his sword, put his armor on, got his horse ready and he was about to leave. So the citizens asked him:




-How does it go ? Our beloved Little Knight, Great Knight wanted to think one month, Average Knight two months and you're ready to fight immediately ?




Little Knight says:




-There's nothing to think about, it's good to get the hell out of there!


 


 




Santa Claus came to Ethiopia and he talked to children:




-Why are you so thin ?




-Cause we haven't been eating anything since one month.




-What ? If you haven't been eating, you won't get your gifts.


 


 




Zorro goes to his lady, riding his horse and orders him:




-You'll wait here, cause when her husband arrives, I will jump from the window and we'll run away.




He's at her apartment, they have fun and, suddenly, there's horrible knocking at the door. Zorro jumped out, lady opened the door and he saw horse, who said:




-Tell Zorro, that I'm waiting here, cause there's big rain outside...


 


 




Behind seven mountains, seven rivers and seven forests there was a queen living there and she was speaking like this:




-Shit, I have a very long way everywhere!

Next ones are coming  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">


 




Little Red Riding Hood is driving her bicycle thorugh the forest, when suddenly a wolf attacks her, breaks the bicycle and escapes. She starts crying. Here comes a bear and asks what happened. After she told him, bear chases a wolf and wants him to weld the bicycle.




The same thing repeats through the following weeks, but, finally, she luckily arrives to her grandmother's home. But still there's sth wrong...




She asks her grandmother:




-My grandmother, why are your ears so big ?




-To hear you better, honey.




-And why is your nose so big ?




-To feel you better, honey.




-But, why the hell are your eyes so red ?




-From welding, shit, from welding!


 


 




Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest and she's not able to find a wolf. She went to its hole and she started screaming, that the kids are waiting for the fairytale and so on, and so on...




Finally, the wolf speaks to her, with its sleepy voice:




-Ah, leave me alone! All night I was dancing with Kevin Costner.


 


 




Speedy Gonzalez is playing with a woman (woman, who has a husband) at her home, when, suddenly, there's some knocking at the door. Gonzalez gets out of the bed immediately and escapes through the window and an unfaithful wife comes to the door.




-Who's that ?




-It's me, Speedy Gonzalez - behind the door this voice can be heard. - I forgot my socks.


 


 




Second World War. Two guys (named Joe and Leo, for example) are escaping from the Germans. They hid in the barn, where they found cow's skin and they decided to dress up as a cow. Joe stood at the front, Leo - at the back. The Germans arrive to the barn, they see the cow and they think they need food for an army. One of them says:




-This cow is thin, isn't it ?




-Yes! It must be fed - the second one says.




They decided to bring a sack of wheat. Joe says to Leo:




-Leo, they bring the sack of wheat!




-Eat, Joe, eat, 'cause we're lost!




So Joe ate it.




The Germans carry another sack of wheat.




-Leo, they bring another sack of wheat!




-Eat, Joe, eat, 'cause we're lost!




So Joe ate it.




The Germans carry a bucket of water.




-Leo, they bring a bucket filled with water!




-Drink, Joe, drink, 'cause we're lost!




Joe looks at the Germans and, suddenly, he starts laughing.




Leo asks:




-Why are you laughing ?




Joe says:




-Hang on tight, Leo, hang on tight, 'cause they are coming with a bull!


 


 




A wife had an argument with her husband and they didn't say anything to each other. They only were writing letters with the orders, e.g. "take out the rubbish", "iron the clothes" etc. One time, husband prepares a letter for his wife: "Wake me up at 5. AM, 'cause I have to get up early".




He wakes up, takes a look on his watch - 9. AM. Then he takes a look at his cupboard and sees a letter: "Get up, pal, it's 5. AM".


 




:cheer:

Office. There are two friends talking to each other:




-Hey, what are you cutting from this newspaper ?




-Article about that husband killed his wife, because she was still searching his pockets...




-And what will you do with this ?




-I'll hide it in my pocket!


 




Wife says to his husband:




-Honey, tomorrow it's our wedding anniversary ? How will we celebrate it ?




Husband after a while:




-Maybe minute of silence ?


 




Man and a woman have lived with each other since 50 years. When the wife was asked, how is it possible, she said:




-Through all my life I've been thinking that arguing is not good for marriage. In case of an argument, it's needed to leave home and go for a long walk.




-And where is your husband ?




-Like everyday - in the morning he went for a walk...


 




Two female neighbours are talking to each other:




-Why have you mounted a rear mirror near to the TV set ?




-It's very comfortable. In this way, I can look at my husband when he's washing the dishes!

-I'm very nervous. There's a big rain outside and my wife is not at home...




-Don't worry, she will hide in some shopping mall...




-That's what I'm afraid of...


 




I never take my husband for a fashion show - woman says to her friend. - That's very troublesome for both of us: when I'm thinking about new dress, he's thinking about new wife...


 




At the train platform there are husband and wife standing. He looks at the leaving train and speaks to his wife:




-If you were ready, we wouldn't miss that train.




-And if you weren't hurrying me, we wouldn't have to wait for the next train for a long time...


 




-Mum, today at my maths lesson teacher praised me!




-That's good, but what did he say ?




-He said that we're all idiots and I'm the bigger one!


 




Dad bought a train model for his son John for his birthday. He left him in his room in order to let him enjoy his gift. In the meantime, dad was in other room. After a while, he hears that from his son's room can be heard:




-Get in, damn, get in!




Dad runs to his room and tells him that he can't play with his gift for an hour. He gets out of the room. 15 minutes - silence... 30 minutes - still silence in his room... 40 minutes - silence, dad is happy; his son is obedient... 50 minutes - silence...




One hour gone. Then from his room can be heard:




-Get in, damn, get in! 'Cause this bastard caused one hour delay!


 




Christmas are coming, but in John's family there isn't much money. He writes a letter to Santa Claus.




"Dear Santa Claus, I'm very poor, but I'd like to get Lego, ball and a train model."




Women, who were working in the post office don't know what to do, 'cause he didn't write his address. They open a letter and they feel so moved, so they decide to but these things. Since the post office workers don't earn so much, it was enough to buy Lego and a ball only. They send it to John. After some time, a letter from John comes - and women in the post office open it and read:




"Dear Santa Claus, thank you for these wonderful gifts, but this train model was taken away by these mean women from the post office!"


 




Two retired doctors are sitting on the bench in a park and they are remembering old times. Suddenly, they see a guy, who's approaching them. He has his knees bent and joined, arms stuck to the body, hands clasped and pulled out to the front.




-Do you think you could diagnose him ? - one of the men asks - I bet 100$ that he had an outflow.




-I bet 200$ that he has an arthritis. Should we ask him ? - the second one says.




Before they make it, he approached himself and asked:




-Excuse me, is there any toilet around here ?


 


 


 




Well, that's the end of my jokes. Sadly, I won't have so much time to write in this thread. Maybe I'll post sth at other time. See you then  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/smile@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">

Wife says to her husband:




-Throw out the rubbish, honey.




-I've just sit down. - he said.




-And what have you been doing before ?




-I was lying...

Situated at a soldiers camp


 




Soldiers are in the canteen and they are arguing, what do they have in their cups: tea or coffee ? Then, a cook steps out from the kitchen and asks:




-Who wants an additional portion of cocoa ?


 




 :cool:    :cool:

Dad went with his son to the swimming pool and after swimming they're having shower. Suddenly, his son slipped and he almost fell, but caught his father's prick and he kept his balance. Dad said:




-You see, if you have come with your mother, you would fall.

Ahmed at check-in on Heathrow


 




Customs officer: Name?




Ahmed: Ahmed Abdullah Chomteninih




Cusotms officer: Sex?




Ahmed: Three times a week.




Sustoms officer: No, no. Like male or female ...




Ahmed: Male, female ... sometimes camel.

Do yall know what a blonde dose after she's done combing her hair?


 




She pulls up her pants...

What a joke, cogkicker lol  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">


 


 


 




9 AM. Knocking at the door.




A lady opens the door and a guys asks:




-Excuse me, do you have a pussy ?




-You dumb - and she pushed the door.




Next day. The same situation.




After 3rd day she has enough and she tells about it to her husband.




-Don't mind it, tomorrow I have a day off, so we will take care of that.




Next day - 9 AM., knocking at the door.




A husband hides behind the door, his wife opens the door - the same guy here:




-Excuse me, do you have a pussy ?




Woman looks at her husband - he's nodding:




-I have - answers the woman.




-So have a sex with your husband and stay the fuck away from my wife - OK ?


 


 


 




There's the guy coming to the bar, he wants two glasses of vodka, drinks it... and the bertender says:




-I see that you're not fine. Tell me what happened, so you will feel better.




-No, it doesn't matter.




-Come on, tell me, you will feel better.




After a while, he starts talking:




-You know, I have met fucking awesome girl, everything is alright, we came to her home, we started having a sex and then her husband returned 'cause he forgot his laptop. She ordered me to hide on the balcony, so I went there and started hanging like this idiot.




-Ooo, you must have been pissed.




-No, that didn't piss me. After a while, she started having a sex with him.




-Ooo, you must have been hardly pissed.




-No, that doesn't piss me! After a while, through the window flies an old condom and lands on my head.




-Ooo, you must have been hardly pissed.




-No, that didn't piss me. After a while, her husband goes to the balcony and takes a leak straight on my head.




-Oh shit, you must have been hardly hardly pissed.




-No, that didn't piss me.




Barman is confused.




-So what pissed you ?




-You know what pissed me ? The fact, that after all I looked down and I found out that I have one meter to the ground.

Do you know the difference between a blonde & a mosquito?


 




When you swipe a mosquito, it stops sucking.

Last night i had my grand son with me, he's 8 and he tell me that joke, but he told me to use my imagination to picture the story.


 




On the small Creek Trail, suddenly an accident, two turtles that were rolling at full speed are collided.




Officer Jack Rabbit was send to the scene to enquire. Jack was looking to find out what happend he saw a snail shaking on a leave


 




He approach the snail and ask him did you see what happend


 




The snail to respond NO damn it happend so fast....  <img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20"><img src="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue.png" alt="" data-emoticon="" srcset="/wp-content/uploads/invision_emoticons/tongue@2x.png 2x" width="20" height="20">   :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

[align=center:2unt107p]Not a joke a reality[/align:2unt107p]


 




[align=center:2unt107p]Life is a sexually transmitted disease which we never get out alive
[/align:2unt107p]