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Entertainment Off Topic Re: JOKES TOPIC
#1
so why don't we have a joke topic?(or maybe we have and i didn't see it)
post here any good joke that you want to tell us Smile
so..let me start:
man:excuse me ,do you know where is the bread factory?
another man:near the paper factory.
man:...and where is the paper factory?
another man:near the bread factory.
man:where are the bread and the paper factories?
another man:one near the other.
(i translated it from my language ..so hope you understand)
#2
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put 'MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."


3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the F*CK is JUSTIN BEIBER?
(sorry for the beiber....just found them on the net)

good one(hope):
Five Important Qualities

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
#3
A total naked woman rushed in a taxi. The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly. The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?" The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."


Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."


Englishman, Scottish man and Irishman selling bibles door to door, they have a bet who will sell the most in a day. They meet up at end of day and Englishman has sold 2, Scottish man had sold 3, but the Irishman who had a terrible stutter says hhhee hhhee hhhad sssold ssssixty. The other two asked how did he do it.
He said, "Wwwhen Iiiii nnnnnnknock aaaat thththe ddddooor I said: Do you wwwwwant tto bbbuy a bbbbbible ooooorrr shshshould Iiii jjjust rrrread it tttto yyyyou?"
#4
That's good with this bibles selling guys.
#5
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."


Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want."
The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"


UNLUCKY YOUNG MAN

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."


so ,again, everybody can post here!
#6
Jokes told by my history teacher.

Reagan and Gorbatchov were running around the stadium. Reagan came first, Gorbatchov was second. And how the press described it ? Reagan was first from the beginning, and Gorbatchov was first from the end.

Another one

What Polish was doing in early morning in 80s ?
He was standing in the queue.

What American did in early morning in 80s ?
He called his bank to find out how much money he had.

And what Russian did in early morning in 80s ?
He stuck his medals from his pyjama to his uniform.

And the last one - found by me

Dad with his son went for a walk to the forest. Suddenly, his son saw a hedgehog in a grass. He asked dad if he can take it home. Dad agreed and he took animal home. During winter, he was feeding a hedgehog and giving him sth to drink. And when the spring came, a horn grew on its forehead and he flew away through opened window. Now it was clear that son brought from the forest not a hedgehog, but the hell knows what :lol:
#7
Leaving Montreal for Quebec, My daughter decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...

- "Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:

- "Not bad..."

Then the voice says:

- "So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:

- "Well, I'm going back to Quebec..."

Then I hear the person say all frustered:

- "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."
#8
nice one crazypreacher Wink
#9
nice jokes cole and crazypreacher Wink
#10
Desert in Africa. Four black guys are carrying white in a horrible heat. Suddenly, one of them (black) falls. White says:
-Damn, again that flat tyre!


Supermarket. A women with a little child, who is screaming horribly, enters one of the shops. This child wants sth to drink. Women says:
-Be quiet, people are staring at us.
Child is screaming a bit more. Woman says again:
-I've said - be quiet!
Child is screaming horribly. Some guy arrives and asks:
-Your child is thirsty, isn't it ?
-Yes, it does.
-So buy a watermelon; kid will eat sth and won't be thirsty.
Woman says:
-You know what ? Fuck your dick with your feet, so you'll fuck and dance!


Teacher asks young John:
-Clean the blackboard, will you ?
-No way!
-Clean it now!
-All right. Where's the rug ?
-Look somewhere in the cupboard.
In the meantime, teacher says to the class:
-My lovely kids, what would you write on my grave, if I'll die ?
John found the rug and says:
-Ah, here's that rug hidden!


-This doctor is incredible! In a few seconds he healed my wife from all her health troubles.
-But how ?
-He said that these are the symptoms of incoming old age...
#11
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" Smile


Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date." Smile

some 'yo mama jokes'
yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning :p inch:
Yo mama so old that when she was in school, there was no history class.
Yo mama so poor burglars break in her house and leave money.
Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yea, let's go bury it!"
Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo momma so fat she's on both side of the family.
#12
[Image: 7d177604aedb41488782cfc.jpg]

You want your mum jokes ? So here they're!
[spoiler:293j31f5]Your mum is ironing a lawn with a kettle.
Your mum is driving through a forest using a lift.
Your mum is cutting bread with her elbow.
Your mum is bitting her own teeth.
Watch out, the best -> Your mum has a stall on Allegro.
Your mum is so fat, that when she falls from bed, she does it from both sides of the bed.
Your mum is clapping with her forehead.
Your mum is so fat, that when she was going to school, she was sitting next to everyone.
Your mum is a priest.
Your mum has no eyebrows.
Your mum is buying Skype.
Your mum is a pope.
Your mum is eating a soup using a fan.
Your mum is sleeping on the wall.
Your mum is driving a tank inside a barn.
Your mum is cutting her nails using a glass.
Your mum is carrying electricity in a bucket.
Your mum is given the presents on father's day.
Your mum is shining in the darkness.
Your mum is barking on the trains.
Your mum is chasing her own tail.
Your mum is so fat, that when she goes to the cinema, she gets a group discount.
Your mum is so stupid, that he goes to the cinema with her remote control.
Your mum is eating rice without boiling.
Your mum is stealing candles from the cemeteries.
Your mum is dividing numbers through zero.
Your mum went through Need For Speed on foot.
Your mum is sitting on the doormat and scratching the doors.
Your mum is a gate on funerals.
Your mum is playing piano a capella; (it's without music).
Your mum is replying spam.
Your mum is laundering clothes in Styx.
Your mum is from Tartar.
Your mum is drinking water from an ironing machine.
Your mum burned Rome.
Your mum is pouring water into an acid.
Your mum crossed Rubikon.
Your mum is ironing before doing the laundering.
Your mum passed her driving licence test on dinosaurs.
Your mum is putting ads on Mendeleyev's Table.
Your mum watches porn videos till the end, 'cause she thinks that they will end up with the wedding.
Your mum is so big, so when she sees The Eiffel Tower, she thinks that it's a toothpick.[/spoiler:293j31f5]
#13
On a discoteque guy from Russia danced with Turkish's girlfriend. It wasn't so long, when Turkish came and stood in front of him; he was very strong and said:
-Hey, you wanna be hit ?
-This is your first problem - Russian said - being so aggressive. You are looking for fight everywhere, even if there's no reason for that.
Discoteque ended, Russian is coming out and in front of the discoteque there's bunch of guys from Turkey:
-Now you're finished - they said.
-This is your second problem - Russian said - you can't solve the business without calling your group.
-You'll pay off now! - shouted them - and they showed him their knives.
And now pointa:
-And that's your third problem - said Russian - you always come to a shooting with your knives...
#14
What woman says after having a bath and leaving a bathroom ?
-Hey, honey, how do you like my new look ?
And what man says having a bath and leaving a bathroom ?
-Oh, honey, you'd better not to go there...
#15
Some famous sentences (to be taken with humour)

'The only reason why God created a man is because he was disappointed with the monkey.'
[align=right:1ij4indo]Mark Twain, American novelist (1835-1910)[/align:1ij4indo]

'Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.'
[align=right:1ij4indo]Elbert Hubbard, American writer (1856-1915)[/align:1ij4indo]

'Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance ?'
[align=right:1ij4indo]Edgar Bergen, American comedian (1903-1978)[/align:1ij4indo]

'We used to build civilizations. Now we build shopping malls.'
[align=right:1ij4indo]Bill Bryson, American writer (1951-)[/align:1ij4indo]

'Travel is educational; it teaches you how to get rid of money in a hurry.'
[align=right:1ij4indo]S. Barry Lipkin, American songwriter (1942-)[/align:1ij4indo]

'When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news.'
[align=right:1ij4indo]Charles Anderson Dana, American journalist (1819-1897)[/align:1ij4indo]

'In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.'
[align=right:1ij4indo]Billy Connelly[/align:1ij4indo]
#16
I like the second one Tongue
#17
Here comes new portion of jokes Smile


Recruit went to a draft board. After examining, sexologist invited him for conversation. He drew a circle and asked:
-What is it ?
-Naked woman...
He drew a square:
-And this ?
-He, he, that's a naked woman...
Finally, he drew a triangle.
-And what about this ? Look properly.
-Naked woman, too...
-Sir, you're perverted...
-Me ? But who drew these naked women ?


Situated in the shop. There's a six year old boy and his father standing in the queue. In front of them there's very fat woman standing - weighting at least 150 kilos. Son says to his father:
-Dad, look at this woman - she's so faaaat...
Dad went red, he felt silly and said:
-My son, you can't say about people like this.
-But she's so faaat... I've never seen such a fat woman.
-That's good, but it's not kind to say about people like this.
At this moment her mobile phone rings pi, pi, pi...
And son says, frightened:
-Dad, watch out! She's gonna reverse!


-Dad, in TV they said that alcohol's prices will be risen. Does this mean that you will drink less ?
-No, that means, that you will eat less...

Enjoy Smile
#18
I see you like my jokes :cheer: That motivated me to post more of them.

Long time ago there was some town. And in this town there was very scary dragon. Citizens couldn't stand it, so they asked for help one of the three knights, hanging around the town.
-Our Great Knight - they say - help us, dragon is raping virgins, killing men, eating kids and women.
Great Knight said:
-Give me one month so that I'll be able to make a plan.
Citizens said:
-What ? After one month, it will kill us all!
And they went to the second knight.
-Average Knight, help us... etc.
He said they must give him two months to make a plan, so they went to the third knight.
-Little Knight, help us... etc.
Little Knight got his sword, put his armor on, got his horse ready and he was about to leave. So the citizens asked him:
-How does it go ? Our beloved Little Knight, Great Knight wanted to think one month, Average Knight two months and you're ready to fight immediately ?
Little Knight says:
-There's nothing to think about, it's good to get the hell out of there!


Santa Claus came to Ethiopia and he talked to children:
-Why are you so thin ?
-Cause we haven't been eating anything since one month.
-What ? If you haven't been eating, you won't get your gifts.


Zorro goes to his lady, riding his horse and orders him:
-You'll wait here, cause when her husband arrives, I will jump from the window and we'll run away.
He's at her apartment, they have fun and, suddenly, there's horrible knocking at the door. Zorro jumped out, lady opened the door and he saw horse, who said:
-Tell Zorro, that I'm waiting here, cause there's big rain outside...


Behind seven mountains, seven rivers and seven forests there was a queen living there and she was speaking like this:
-Shit, I have a very long way everywhere!
#19
Next ones are coming Smile

Little Red Riding Hood is driving her bicycle thorugh the forest, when suddenly a wolf attacks her, breaks the bicycle and escapes. She starts crying. Here comes a bear and asks what happened. After she told him, bear chases a wolf and wants him to weld the bicycle.
The same thing repeats through the following weeks, but, finally, she luckily arrives to her grandmother's home. But still there's sth wrong...
She asks her grandmother:
-My grandmother, why are your ears so big ?
-To hear you better, honey.
-And why is your nose so big ?
-To feel you better, honey.
-But, why the hell are your eyes so red ?
-From welding, shit, from welding!


Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest and she's not able to find a wolf. She went to its hole and she started screaming, that the kids are waiting for the fairytale and so on, and so on...
Finally, the wolf speaks to her, with its sleepy voice:
-Ah, leave me alone! All night I was dancing with Kevin Costner.


Speedy Gonzalez is playing with a woman (woman, who has a husband) at her home, when, suddenly, there's some knocking at the door. Gonzalez gets out of the bed immediately and escapes through the window and an unfaithful wife comes to the door.
-Who's that ?
-It's me, Speedy Gonzalez - behind the door this voice can be heard. - I forgot my socks.


Second World War. Two guys (named Joe and Leo, for example) are escaping from the Germans. They hid in the barn, where they found cow's skin and they decided to dress up as a cow. Joe stood at the front, Leo - at the back. The Germans arrive to the barn, they see the cow and they think they need food for an army. One of them says:
-This cow is thin, isn't it ?
-Yes! It must be fed - the second one says.
They decided to bring a sack of wheat. Joe says to Leo:
-Leo, they bring the sack of wheat!
-Eat, Joe, eat, 'cause we're lost!
So Joe ate it.
The Germans carry another sack of wheat.
-Leo, they bring another sack of wheat!
-Eat, Joe, eat, 'cause we're lost!
So Joe ate it.
The Germans carry a bucket of water.
-Leo, they bring a bucket filled with water!
-Drink, Joe, drink, 'cause we're lost!
Joe looks at the Germans and, suddenly, he starts laughing.
Leo asks:
-Why are you laughing ?
Joe says:
-Hang on tight, Leo, hang on tight, 'cause they are coming with a bull!


A wife had an argument with her husband and they didn't say anything to each other. They only were writing letters with the orders, e.g. "take out the rubbish", "iron the clothes" etc. One time, husband prepares a letter for his wife: "Wake me up at 5. AM, 'cause I have to get up early".
He wakes up, takes a look on his watch - 9. AM. Then he takes a look at his cupboard and sees a letter: "Get up, pal, it's 5. AM".

:cheer:
#20
Office. There are two friends talking to each other:
-Hey, what are you cutting from this newspaper ?
-Article about that husband killed his wife, because she was still searching his pockets...
-And what will you do with this ?
-I'll hide it in my pocket!

Wife says to his husband:
-Honey, tomorrow it's our wedding anniversary ? How will we celebrate it ?
Husband after a while:
-Maybe minute of silence ?

Man and a woman have lived with each other since 50 years. When the wife was asked, how is it possible, she said:
-Through all my life I've been thinking that arguing is not good for marriage. In case of an argument, it's needed to leave home and go for a long walk.
-And where is your husband ?
-Like everyday - in the morning he went for a walk...

Two female neighbours are talking to each other:
-Why have you mounted a rear mirror near to the TV set ?
-It's very comfortable. In this way, I can look at my husband when he's washing the dishes!


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