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Entertainment Off Topic Re: JOKES TOPIC
#61
thank you both for the comments
#62
HAHA those were very funny
#63
"You can modify only one person's karma every six hours.
Please wait until this timeout period has passed before modifying any person's karma again."

i would have returned the favor for both of you... Sad
#64
Its to stop karma boosting, just do it tomorrow or something Smile
But theres no need to
#65
i know...but anyway i want to
hope i won't forget Smile B)
#66
Fair enough Big Grin
#67
new jokes guys:

some kids jokes(if you know some kids or something...)

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What is a bunny's favorite music?
Hip-hop.

Kid threw the butter out the window, he wanted to see a butterfly.



now,the real deal(not really...)

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!

Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention?
Student: I'm paying as little attention as I can.



Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said. "Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"



This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!!!"



A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."



An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
#68
thewildnath" post=9260":1vqdubvp Wrote:This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!!!"

This one is the best, thanks Nathan Wink
#69
i know :lol:
#70
Haha
#71
Programming fairy tale

void fairy-tale() {
if (prince.strong >= dragon.strong) {
dragon.delete();
... prince += princess + kingdom/2;
} else {
prince -= head;
dragon.weight += princess.weight;
King.status = "Sad";
Kingdom.goto("FuckUp");
}
}

[C]
#72
Woman needs 4 animals: fox in the wardrobe, jaguar in the garage, tiger in the bedroom and a donkey who will pay for that.

Scientists have invented the machine, which makes a 'bzzz' beep when someone lies.
There are three women coming: blonde, brunette and red.
Brunette enters a facility when the device is and says:
-I think that I'm beautiful - BZZZZZZZ!!!!!
Red enters:
-I think that I'm wise - BZZZZZZ!!!!
Blonde enters:
-I'm thinking... - BZZZZ!!!!

Woman is driving a motorbike through the city. Suddenly, policeman arrives and blocks her way.
He says:
-Why have you put a cap instead a helmet on ?
-Because I did a test - I threw a helmet from 20th floor and it crashed, and then cap, but it was unharmed.
#73
some insulting jokes you may(or may not :p )use:


Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
i think i posted this before but...:Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.



ok,now some real stuff Smile

::::::::::::::::::::::::::
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Man visits India and meets an old man in the town square who is renowned for his elephantine memory.
He asks the old man what he had for breakfast on the same day 15 years back. "Eggs," replies the old man, the man scoffs at this saying everyone has eggs for breakfast and walks away.
Ten years later he returns to India and sees the same old man on the same spot, goes to him and asks, "How?"
The old man takes one look at his face and replies, "Scrambled."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"





BONUS: longest joke in the world http://longestjokeintheworld.com/
#74
Oh right.You may have heard this Tongue

Hitler made a control of the army in the barracks.During the control somebody sneezed.
-who did it?!asks Hitler
Soldiers are silent.Than Hitler ordered to wipe out the first row.
-who did it?!asks again
Soldiers are silent again.Hitler ordered to wipe out the second row.
-im asking for the last time,who did it?!
From the last row a soldier slowly raised hes hand.
Cheers!said Hitler.
#75
thewildnath

I already know this with handjob & cheeseburger Tongue

-------

Polish, German and English meet the devil.
Devil says:
-Jump to that lake and it will become a thing that you will scream during the jump.
Polish jumps and screams: Vodka! Drinks it & dies.
German screams: Frisch Bier! Drinks & dies.
English runs, runs, suddenly he falls and screams: Oh shit!


A woman is waiting for a lift and watching behind his back, he sees a man with his face covered.
She gets in the lift immediately and this man behind her.
Man says to her:
-Down on your knees and do the BJ!
-No, please, no!
He replied, so she did what she had to do.
Suddenly, he uncovers his face and it turns out that it's her husband and says:
-And what the hell, is it possible somehow ?


On the desert island there was a man, dog and pig.
They lived together for one year time.
A man finally decided to couple with a pig.
But everytime he coupled with a pig, dog bites his ass.
It didn't help out that he wanted to convince a dog that it's better with a pig than with a dog.
But some night, he heard woman's scream.
He ran to the beach and he saved quite good woman.
She says:
-Because you saved me, I will do everything for you.
-Ok, take that dog for a walk.
#76
nice ones Cole Wink
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

- How do two programmers make money?
- One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
((this joke reminds me of the game Bully)))
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis. Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing.
After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me."
The guy still doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected. But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all around. Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone.
Shocked, he runs to the devil and says "Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!"
The devil laughs and says "Oh, that. That's the Catholics - they want it that way."
#77
Man on the desert island pulls a girl out of the water, who swimmed to the shore by holding a barrel.
-You live here long, don't you ?
-For 15 years.
-Alone ?
-Yes.
-Now you will have this, which you missed the most - she said.
-You ain't serious! Is there a beer in that barrel ?


There's a block of flats burning. People are on the roof. A hero was down there and he screams: "Jump!". First person jumped. Hero caught her and set on the ground. Second one did the same. He caught her and set on the ground. Third one is a black man. Hero didn't catch him and he hit the ground. At the end, hero said:
-Don't through the burnt ones!


Rich man is driving a limousine. He sees a poor guy eating the grass. He asks him:
-Why do you eat grass ?
-Ahhh, I'm hungry and I don't have money to buy food.
-So get in, I'll take you to my house.
Poor guy thought about his family and asks:
-Can I take kids with me ?
-Let them get in.
-And wife ?
-OK, but quick.
-Parents ?
-Hey, I don't have such a big lawn...

Wink Tongue
#78
sorry for the long pause.....but now i have some new "fresh" jokes Wink
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
#79
Thanks a million, Nathan, your jokes are the best! :lol: (no offense to other members)
#80
Last one the best, a woman turned into a man Tongue


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