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Entertainment Off Topic Re: JOKES TOPIC
#21
-I'm very nervous. There's a big rain outside and my wife is not at home...
-Don't worry, she will hide in some shopping mall...
-That's what I'm afraid of...

I never take my husband for a fashion show - woman says to her friend. - That's very troublesome for both of us: when I'm thinking about new dress, he's thinking about new wife...

At the train platform there are husband and wife standing. He looks at the leaving train and speaks to his wife:
-If you were ready, we wouldn't miss that train.
-And if you weren't hurrying me, we wouldn't have to wait for the next train for a long time...

-Mum, today at my maths lesson teacher praised me!
-That's good, but what did he say ?
-He said that we're all idiots and I'm the bigger one!

Dad bought a train model for his son John for his birthday. He left him in his room in order to let him enjoy his gift. In the meantime, dad was in other room. After a while, he hears that from his son's room can be heard:
-Get in, damn, get in!
Dad runs to his room and tells him that he can't play with his gift for an hour. He gets out of the room. 15 minutes - silence... 30 minutes - still silence in his room... 40 minutes - silence, dad is happy; his son is obedient... 50 minutes - silence...
One hour gone. Then from his room can be heard:
-Get in, damn, get in! 'Cause this bastard caused one hour delay!

Christmas are coming, but in John's family there isn't much money. He writes a letter to Santa Claus.
"Dear Santa Claus, I'm very poor, but I'd like to get Lego, ball and a train model."
Women, who were working in the post office don't know what to do, 'cause he didn't write his address. They open a letter and they feel so moved, so they decide to but these things. Since the post office workers don't earn so much, it was enough to buy Lego and a ball only. They send it to John. After some time, a letter from John comes - and women in the post office open it and read:
"Dear Santa Claus, thank you for these wonderful gifts, but this train model was taken away by these mean women from the post office!"

Two retired doctors are sitting on the bench in a park and they are remembering old times. Suddenly, they see a guy, who's approaching them. He has his knees bent and joined, arms stuck to the body, hands clasped and pulled out to the front.
-Do you think you could diagnose him ? - one of the men asks - I bet 100$ that he had an outflow.
-I bet 200$ that he has an arthritis. Should we ask him ? - the second one says.
Before they make it, he approached himself and asked:
-Excuse me, is there any toilet around here ?



Well, that's the end of my jokes. Sadly, I won't have so much time to write in this thread. Maybe I'll post sth at other time. See you then Smile
#22
Wife says to her husband:
-Throw out the rubbish, honey.
-I've just sit down. - he said.
-And what have you been doing before ?
-I was lying...
#23
Situated at a soldiers camp

Soldiers are in the canteen and they are arguing, what do they have in their cups: tea or coffee ? Then, a cook steps out from the kitchen and asks:
-Who wants an additional portion of cocoa ?

B) B)
#24
Dad went with his son to the swimming pool and after swimming they're having shower. Suddenly, his son slipped and he almost fell, but caught his father's prick and he kept his balance. Dad said:
-You see, if you have come with your mother, you would fall.
#25
Ahmed at check-in on Heathrow

Customs officer: Name?
Ahmed: Ahmed Abdullah Chomteninih
Cusotms officer: Sex?
Ahmed: Three times a week.
Sustoms officer: No, no. Like male or female ...
Ahmed: Male, female ... sometimes camel.
#26
Do yall know what a blonde dose after she's done combing her hair?

She pulls up her pants...
#27
What a joke, cogkicker lol Tongue



9 AM. Knocking at the door.
A lady opens the door and a guys asks:
-Excuse me, do you have a pussy ?
-You dumb - and she pushed the door.
Next day. The same situation.
After 3rd day she has enough and she tells about it to her husband.
-Don't mind it, tomorrow I have a day off, so we will take care of that.
Next day - 9 AM., knocking at the door.
A husband hides behind the door, his wife opens the door - the same guy here:
-Excuse me, do you have a pussy ?
Woman looks at her husband - he's nodding:
-I have - answers the woman.
-So have a sex with your husband and stay the fuck away from my wife - OK ?



There's the guy coming to the bar, he wants two glasses of vodka, drinks it... and the bertender says:
-I see that you're not fine. Tell me what happened, so you will feel better.
-No, it doesn't matter.
-Come on, tell me, you will feel better.
After a while, he starts talking:
-You know, I have met fucking awesome girl, everything is alright, we came to her home, we started having a sex and then her husband returned 'cause he forgot his laptop. She ordered me to hide on the balcony, so I went there and started hanging like this idiot.
-Ooo, you must have been pissed.
-No, that didn't piss me. After a while, she started having a sex with him.
-Ooo, you must have been hardly pissed.
-No, that doesn't piss me! After a while, through the window flies an old condom and lands on my head.
-Ooo, you must have been hardly pissed.
-No, that didn't piss me. After a while, her husband goes to the balcony and takes a leak straight on my head.
-Oh shit, you must have been hardly hardly pissed.
-No, that didn't piss me.
Barman is confused.
-So what pissed you ?
-You know what pissed me ? The fact, that after all I looked down and I found out that I have one meter to the ground.
#28
Do you know the difference between a blonde & a mosquito?

When you swipe a mosquito, it stops sucking.
#29
Last night i had my grand son with me, he's 8 and he tell me that joke, but he told me to use my imagination to picture the story.

On the small Creek Trail, suddenly an accident, two turtles that were rolling at full speed are collided.
Officer Jack Rabbit was send to the scene to enquire. Jack was looking to find out what happend he saw a snail shaking on a leave

He approach the snail and ask him did you see what happend

The snail to respond NO damn it happend so fast.... Tongue Tongue Tongue Tongue Tongue :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
#30
[align=center:2unt107p]Not a joke a reality[/align:2unt107p]

[align=center:2unt107p]Life is a sexually transmitted disease which we never get out alive[/align:2unt107p]
#31
Do yall know what a bull dog and a shih-tzu make?

A bull-shit
#32
hope you'll like them Wink :


Once chuck norris and time had race.
Result: The time is still running.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
#33
thewildnath" post=8666":6t3nxqks Wrote:hope you'll like them Wink :


Once chuck norris and time had race.
Result: The time is still running.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.

HAHA nice ones!
#34
I lol'd so much at the last one :lol: Thanks Big Grin
#35
new jokes :cheer: :

How many lawyers dose it take to change a light bulb?

3, 1 to climb the ladder, 1 to shake it, and 1 to sue the ladder company



A man had a party where all the rich people attend.
And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...."


1st man: It is sickening the way my wife keps talking about her ex husband..
2nd man: Than's nothing, mine keps talking about her next husband.


Smile :cheer: :cheer: :lol:
#36
Haha nice ones thewildnath
#37
johncena1" post=8799":3j6canfm Wrote:Haha nice ones thewildnath

thanks here's another :

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
#38
HAHA
#39
johncena1" post=8801":2i6yf53w Wrote:HAHA

ok...one more and then i go to sleep :


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
#40
i found a good one and i am afraid i will forgot it but now i realy go : Smile

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.â€


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